


don't fall in love with the moment

by prettyboylou



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crying, Depression, Drinking, Gay, Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson Break Up, Harry broke up, He reads the break up note, He remembers all of the moments they had together, Heartbreak, Louis is heartbroken, M/M, Post-Break Up, Sad Louis, but still loving Harry, dating Zayn, larry - Freeform, larry stylinson - Freeform, louis getting better, louis is in love with harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-26
Updated: 2017-05-19
Packaged: 2018-06-04 16:11:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 12,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6665398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/prettyboylou/pseuds/prettyboylou
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Louis remembers that one month has gone without waking up to Harry kissing all over his face and tugging him closer to his chest. He drinks to forget the pain in his heart, but the next morning he still remembers. He remembers it all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. liqour lips

**Author's Note:**

> listen. i suck at summaries, but please give this a shot?
> 
> be aware; i am swedish and spelling and grammar errors may occur, but hopefully not frequently or any major ones.
> 
> enjoy!

It has gone 1 month, Louis remembers as his head hits the pillow, head heavy and alcohol in his blood. He's used to not being able to have two, the other being occupied by a mop of curls. Tonight he sleeps with three. 

His neck hurts when he wakes up. He realizes that maybe there was a reason that Harry always told him to not sleep with so many pillows, but Louis doesn't want to think about him and shakes his head as if to erase his thoughts. He can feel the bones in his neck crack and he rubs to soothe it, wishes he could feel cold rings against his skin. As he sips a two day old glass of water he remembers that he would always curse at him for not taking off the big one with the diamond that scratches the sensitive skin of your neck a little too harshly, and that Harry always cooed and apologized with scattered kisses over his skin. Sometimes Louis would turn around and catch his lips in his just before they landed on his neck, and he would feel Harry's lips stretch as he smiled. When things were different, Louis would grin back and their kiss would just be two beaming mouths pressed together, and he finds himself missing just those moments. He sighs as he puts the glass down on the bedside table, swings his legs over the edge of the bed and stands up. He's gripping the duvet in his fists, the whole thing wrapped around his naked body almost as a shield from the outside world, like he could hide inside of it if he wanted to. Before, when everything was okay, he would have a pair of strong arms around him that protected him. 

As he paddles to the kitchen he sees the mess in the sink, on the counter and on the table and he sighs quietly, his head pounding. This never happened 1 month ago, the room would be spotless and there would be a beautiful man leaning against the counter, smiling at him and opening his arms. He would step closer, and after each step the blanket would slip further down his shoulders until he was completely exposed and he would press his naked body flushed against the other man. He would lean in slowly and move his thinner lips passionately against his thicker ones, he would wrap his arms around his neck and get completely pulled in by him, he was swallowed by his body, they were one. Today he wasn't whole.

Louis spotted his phone by a big pile of plates. 1 month ago, he would eagerly check if he had gotten any over the night, when Harry was away. Today, he was away, but he knew there were no messages. There never was anymore. He shakily picked it up and pressed the screen down again, not wanting to face the truth that no one wanted him. He smashed it hard against the counter and walked into the living room not bothering to check if the screen cracked. Nothing, Louis thought, could be more broken than his heart.

The living room was not much better. There's a smashed vodka bottle from last night and there's a cut in his finger from trying to pick the broken glass. 1 month ago, Harry would've held him close and told him not to go near the mess he caused, that it was okay. He would pick all the pieces up by himself and not let Louis go close, he could hurt himself, he would put him to bed and crawl in beside him, his chest against Louis' back. He would squeeze him tight and tell him to never get so drunk again that he hurts himself, that it hurts Harry too, and Louis would whisper into his hands that he loved him, and they would fall asleep in each others arms, they would be okay.  
He wonders if he should just return to bed or if he should try to clean up the mess again, and he decides to not bother doing any of them.

As his eyes scans the room he freezes when he sees it. The reason to why Louis drunk until he couldn't see straight, the reason why he smashed the bottle of liquor, the reason why his heart was in pieces. The letter that Harry left the day he walked out of Louis' flat and told him he'd never be back.

" My dearest Louis.

Here are somethings I want for you;

I want you to be happy. I want someone else to know the warmth of your smile, to feel the way I did when I was in your presence. 

I want you to know how happy you once made me and though you really did hurt me, in the end, I was better for it. I don't know if what we had was love but if it wasn't, I hope never to fall in love.  
Because of you, I know I am too fragile to bear it.

I want you to remember my lips beneath your fingers and how you told me things you never told another soul. I want you to know that I have kept sacred, everything you had entrusted in me and I always will.

Finally, I want you to know how sorry I am for pushing you away when I was only meant to bring you closer. And if I ever felt like home to you, it was because you were safe with me. I want you to know that most of all. 

I part with you in peace.

Yours sincerely, Harry."

Louis head is spinning as a single tear rolls down his cheek. His fist wants to crinkle the paper into a ball but his fingers are locked, he can't find it in him to destroy the only piece of Harry he's got left.

Louis remembers the day like it was yesterday. When Harry had handed him the letter, watched as Louis eyes traveled across the paper as they filled with tears, flicking up and finding his eyes. He fell to his knees that day, sobbing, begging for Harry to love him for one more night, and Harry had held him on the floor for what felt like hours and then left through the door without a word. Since that day, Louis was not the same. He would never be the same without Harry.

He takes a swig of a half empty bottle of whiskey and sits down.


	2. tragic moments

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis does something that will heal his heart but also break it all over again.

Louis sets the bottle down before he lets himself gulp all of the liquor down. Lately his nights alone has only been consisting of breathless sobs between drinks, and occasional breaking of either furniture or smaller things like bottles or lamps. He tried to contain himself, every single time he lifts something up just to throw it to the ground, he tells himself he is better than this but he also knows, drunk or not, that he is lying to himself. He is feeding his own mind lies just like he did to Harry and he tries to believe them with every fibre in his body but he can't. He can't look past the sad truth that he is falling apart and he realizes, that there is nothing he can do. In probably a month or even less, Louis will have killed himself because it's not worth it, he is broken and he can never be fixed, he is empty and he can never be complete, and he is missing one half of himself and he can never ever be whole. Without Harry he's dead inside. Even if he is physically breathing he doesn't get any air in his lungs, it's like he cannot get the oxygen to his cells if Harry is not by his side and it is killing him more and more each day.

Louis rakes his hands through his hair and tugs, hard, hisses at the sting in his scalp. He tugs harder and harder until he feels that there are hair strands coming out and he clenches his teeth at the unbearable pain, and he lets go just before he's gonna tug one last time to rip out the hair.

His hands fall to his lap and he doesn't know what to do with them. So he stands up, walks into the kitchen and gets his phone. When seated again he presses the button at the far bottom of his sligtly cracked iPhone 5 and his heart clenches in his ribcage when the screen lights up and there's a pretty picture of Harry looking back at him. Louis' eyes are glued to the image of the one person he loves the most in the entire world, the one person that does not love him back. His smile is dazzling, showing off his white teeth and his cute little dimples that Louis love so dearly. Harry's eyes are glowing and Louis always knew that his eyes held so many beautiful secrets that he wanted to know. He guesses that there was one that he didn't tell him. 

Louis shakes his head, doesn't allow more tears to fall, enters the code (1994) and sighs. What was he even going to do on here? His instagram is dead and he doesn't want to post about his heartache. He barely has friends on snapchat or kik and he just can't bring himself to scroll through tumblr and read about romanticized drugs and depression. He wants to call a friend but as he scrolls down his contacts he finds himself pressing the green button next to Harry's name. He's just going to listen, he tells himself, just listen to the pretty voice of his past lover. So he does something he knows he'll regret. He picks up the phone and he presses it against his cheek, listens to the steady rings and hears his own breath hitch as the moste beautiful sounds fills his ears.

"Hello?" Louis knows that Harry knows it's him. He most likely hasn't deleted his number and if he has, he's probably already figured out by the small small sobs coming out of him. He tries to fight the tears but there's nothing he can do and he cries softly into the phone, embarassed and hurt and so so completely lost.

"Louis?" Harry whispers and Louis fucking breaks, he falls onto his knees and he sobs into his hands, drops the phone to the floor (and probably cracking it a little more). He's over, he's done, he's so broken and he regrets this so much. Harry must've heard the thud of the phone faling to the ground because he says;

"Louis. Pick up the phone." His voice is so faint Louis barely even hears it but he does and he does as the most meaningful person in his life (his ex, how tragic) says and presses the phone tightly against his ear. He closes his eyes and holds his breath and just waits, waits for the pain to stop, waits for the tears to stop falling, waits for Harry to say something.

"Louis, love. Why are you calling me?"

Louis doesn't know. That's the thing. He doesn't know at all why he called him, he doesn't know why he's still crying after a month, he doesn't know why he tries to fix his problems with alcohol and he doesn't know why he's still alive.

"Harry, I, I don't know." He sobs, claws at his wrist to relieve the stress.

"Hey, listen, it's okay baby. You're okay. You want me to come over?" Harry says and Louis almost fucking faints, having him here would heal his heart but also shatter it ten times worse than it already is. It would break the little piece of him that he finally built up after these weeks without him. But, for the third time tonight, he does something he regrets (after waking up and calling Harry.)

"Yes." He whispers, so so quietly but he guesses Harry was prepared for that and he hears him say "I'll see you in ten minutes love." And then the call was ended.

Louis instantly panics and he stands up on wobbly legs to clean up the mess in the living room, but as he stands up he slips on the blanket wrapped around him and he falls, right onto a smashed bottle and the broken pieces digs into his knees and palms and he screams until all the air in his lungs is gone and he's breathlessly hyperventilating, blood oozing out of the wounds and this time he doesn't care, just lays there with a death wish until someone is knocking on the door, and when no one is opening there's a klick of a key being turned in the lock and the door opens. 

"Louis? I used the spare key under the doormat because you didn't answer the do-" His words are cut off with a loud gasp and Louis is faced with the prettiest face in the world. His hair has grown a little bit longer, maybe just a millimeter but he can see it and his eyes are wild, pupils blown and mouth hanging open. Louis feels himself being lifted from the ground and for the first time in a month he feels at home, wrapped tightly in his arms and he cannot help but to smile at the feeling.

Harry is mumbling incoherent sentences above him but Louis only focuses on the warmth of his chest and the soft fabric of his shirt.

"What did you do Louis? Did you do this on purpose?" He hears Harry... cry? He cracks an eye open and looks up and there are tears pooling in Harry's eyes and that brings tears to his own eyes and he whispers;

"No I fell, Harry, I promise I didn't do it on purpose, I don't do that.. anymore, I.."

"Anymore? You hurt yourself?" Harry grits out as he sets him down on the toilet, kneeling infront of him. His eyes were boring into Louis' and it was so strong that he had to look away, only for Harry's fingers to find his chin and make him look him in the eyes again.

"Answer me Louis." He said sterner.

Louis nodded softly.

"Okay. Let's talk about it later, let's clean you up first." He uttered, sounding almost disappointed. Louis head fell and he nodded weakly, letting Harry pick out the pieces of glass out of his skin and put bandaids all over his knees, softly pressing his lips to the red skin around the wounds afterwards. Louis broken heart fluttered weakly.

"Arms up." Harry broke the silence, making Louis look up in confusion.

"I'm carrying you to the living room." He explained, and as Louis put his arms up he grabbed him around the waist and held him to his chest, hand gripping the underside of his thighs as he carried him into the room where they started just a few minutes ago. He carefully placed him on the couch, his head resting against a soft pillow and the blanket put over his body. It's then that Louis realizes that he has been naked the whole time except for a blanket over his shoulders and his cheeks fill with blood, blushing harder than ever before and he hides his face into the chusion.

"Lou." Makes him look up again.

"What have you done in here? Everything is broken. And all the liquor, did you drink all of it? There's so much Louis, you know that you could kill yourself? Was that the intention? Please tell me what's going on." Harry rushed out from his position on the floor, back resting against the couch. 

Louis bites his lip.

"I just, I couldn't bear the pain of you leaving me. I don't think you know but after you left I wanted to kill myself straight away, and I've tried Harry I have, I want to die without you. I can't breath without you here Harry, I'm so in love with you it's unhealthy. The second you walked out of that door I broke, and I'm not becoming whole again without you here. I know I cannot force you to love me, and I can't blame you for stopping, but if you do not do so I'll die. I will die. Not just mentally this time." Louis sobbed, asking too much but still so little, just wanting to be loved by the one person he cannot stand without.

"Louis, I didn't know me leaving would affect you like this." He sighed, turning around to face him. 

"But I also can't just come back, you do know that right? I can't just love you because you want that." Harry sighed.

"I know." Louis cried silently.

"I love you Lou, and I always will, but I am no longer in love with you and I can't do anything about that."  
And at those words, Louis' heart fell apart all over again. He didn't know what he thought was going to happen, that Harry would come back here and he would take him to the bedroom and make sweet sweet love to him, that he would get down on one knee and seal them together forever. He doesn't know, doesn't know why he called him to get here only to be heartbroken one more time. 

"Louis." Harry whispered, wiping away the tears that fell. 

"Believe me, you're better without me. If me leaving got you like this then it's good that I left you. You can't rely on someone else this much, you need to be your own being and if another person can break you like this then you're for the better on your own." Harry said softly, caressing his cheek.

"But that's the thing Harry. I can't be on my own now. You've already left your prints on me and I cannot live without them." As Louis finished his sentence there were warm lips pressing against his own, moving slowly. Louis remembered the times when one of these kisses would calm him down, they would put him at peace but right now there was panic erupting in his chest and he wanted so desperatly to melt into the embrace but he knew that Harry was forcing this and that he didn't feel the sparks that Louis did, so he pushed lightly at his chest as more tears fell.

"You don't want this, you don't want me." He cried softly.

"I want you." Harry insisted, wanting to kiss the familiar warmth again but he also knew, that this wasn't them anymore and he couldn't pretend that they were.

"Let me." He whispered again, combing his fingers through Louis' soft fringe. And even if Louis wanted to, how could he say no?

So he let Harry press his plump lips against his, he let his fingers wander from his neck to his tummy and back up again, he let him kiss the sensitive spot on his neck and he let him suck a bruise. He let him tell him how beautiful he is and that he loved him so so dearly, he let him kiss his forehead, he let him stand up and say that he was so sorry and he let him walk out of the door.

And Louis let Harry break his heart yet again.


	3. crying vulcanoes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis hates coconut. He always has. He finds the smell too sweet and too strong and he doesn't like the way it feels against his tongue. Whenever someone served anything with coconut in it he would kindly decline and either eat something else or just pass, but when the doorbell rings the next day and his Harry stands outside with newly washed hair with coconut shampoo, he finds himself loving the smell of it. He steps aside to let him in, but Harry hestitates for a moment and his soft smile falters a bit, not much but enough for Louis to notice it. Harry's mouth opens and he says;  
> "We need to talk."  
> And Louis knows they do.

Louis was sitting in silence by the kitchen table whilst Harry was making them tea. He didn't ask how Louis wanted his tea because he knew that he wanted milk and no bloody sugar, for christs sake! That's just fucking disgusting. His back was turned to Louis and the latters heart clenched because he remembers spending lazy sunday mornings like this, with the love of his life and yorkshire tea.

Harry turns around as Louis thinks about standing up and wrapping his arms around his waist.  
"How are you feeling?" Comes out of Harry's mouth and Louis decides that he doesn't feel anything at all.  
"I'm well." He lies anyways because why add more confusion to this confusing situation?  
Harry sees right through him.  
"I can see the dark circles under your eyes, you must be tired. Wanna go lay down on the couch for a bit? We can talk in the living room." Louis shudders at how well he knows him. Not a single white lie can slip out of his mouth without Harry instantly sensing that something's wrong. Not even his own mother does that.

Louis nods softly and stands up, and walks towards the living room, Harry silently following behind him with two cups of tea.

Louis lays down and for a moment he expects Harry go join because somewhere in his brain that habit of them two spooning remains and he blushes because Harry must remember too, remember the things they did on this couch, the warm cuddles with light fluttery kisses, the passionate drunk sex, the long night talks with wine and giggles and everything they used to be was with this piece of furniture. Louis rememberes how they spent almost a whole day on their knees scrubbing away wine stains (and Louis tries to push away the thought of how Harry roared with laughter when they also found come stains because he cannot think about that right now, with Harry here and this couch and this terrible, miserable situation.)  
Instead he curls his legs so Harry can sit at the end of the couch.

Harry doesn't meet his eyes when he sits down timidly. He keeps his knees together and puts his hands in his lap awkwardly and Louis feels exposed laying down. He uses his arms to push himself up a little so that his back is propped up against a decor pillow and he watches Harry's cheek the entire time. He doesn't do anything, and neither does he say anything.

"Harry." Louis tries. Somehow that breaks him.

"I did a mistake Louis. I kissed you and I touched you when you were vurnerable and I took advantage of you. I never meant to do that to you, I just saw how broken you were and I wanted to fix you." He still doesn't turn his face and Louis heart clenches.

"You know I wanted that. I am pathetic and needy and so in love with you and you know that I do not wish to take back even one second of yesterday. Sure, it fucked me up even more but it also, strangely, fixed me. Just like you wanted. So why are you pondering about this and why are you showing up here once again only to leave us both in tears?" Louis presses out and it makes Harry look him in the eyes. His hand falls to his thigh and Louis wants to move it away but he can't deny that it brings him comfort.

"You're not any of that. And I wanted to make sure you were okay." Harry says as Louis chuckles.

"Yeah, okay. I'm okay." He says bitterly and moves Harry's hand away from his leg.

It takes one second and then Harry is sitting on the floor next to him, eyes booring into his. Louis' breath hitches and he tries to move his gaze but he can't and he stares back into his eyes.

"Why do you love me Louis?" The question startles Louis and he laughs bitterly, eyes leaving his.

"I didn't fucking choose to. You came into my life and you swept me off my feet and you loved me unconditionally and with everything you had. You were my home, the warmth in my heart and the only person in the entire world that I could not live without. Everything was perfect and one day you just let me go and all you give me is a fucking letter and you expect me to stop loving you? Do you think that just because you broke my heart into pieces that I would not have feelings for you anymore? I am fragile and lost and I have nothing left in me anymore, I can't be happy and I can't be okay, all the light I have is you. You're my sun. I can't not be in love with you." Louis notices there are tears pooling in his own eyes.

"I told you you're here for no good. You're just gonna make me cry." He feels fingers wiping at his cheeks and he turns his head in anger. Harry can't come here and smash him under his shoe just to gently touch him after. He's not gonna let that happen.

"Lou.." Harry whispered and who does he think he is? 

"No! I'm not gonna sit here and let you touch when I know you're forcing every touch! I'm not gonna let you try to comfort me when you broke my heart into a billion pieces!" Louis spit out and moved further away on the couch.

"I'm sorry Louis. I don't know what I'm doing." Harry says and stands up. Louis wants to scream, he wants to drink until he can't stand up and he wants to trash his apartment. He wants to throw away this couch and rip the letter into two, he wants to push at Harry's chest and he wants to hit him until he's hurting even more than he himself is. 

"You fucking prick!" He yells and stomps towards a wide eyed Harry.

"Why did you come here?! You had no fucking intention to make peace between us! You just want to see me beg for you to stay! You want to see me suffer!" Louis is seeing red and he's trashing with his arms, grabbing for anything to throw to the ground and when his hands find a vase he whips around and throws it right on the floor. Tears are flowing down his face like a waterfall and his breath is ragged and uneven and it feels like he is going to explode. His chest feels like a vulcano bubbling with lava and he falls to his knees, can't take it anymore. He cannot take any of this fucking shit anymore, can't take what his life has becomen and he can't take the way Harry is looking at him.

He screams out loud and he wants to fight but doesn't have the energy to when he feels the warmth of Harry's body next to his.

"Louis, please." He whimpers next to him and Louis doesn't have it in him to lash out anymore nor even look at him.

"Harry." He cries and cries and cries and he can't do anything let Harry pull him into his lap and hold him tight. He can't do anything but let the tears fall and soak Harry's shirt. He doesn't fight anymore and even if it feels so wrong he can't bring himself to want anything else.

Eventually his breath calmed and his cheeks dried and his head cleared.

"I'm dying without you, Harry."

He hears Harry sigh, swears he feels tears against his neck.

"I know."


	4. restaurant smooches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Three months later, and Louis is happy. He was going to work and he was out with his friends and he was living his life like a 24 year old should. He loves dancing and he loves singing and he has learned to respect alcohol. His lamps are whole and his floor glass free and the letter is kept between two pages in a book that he never touches. He wears sweaters in his size and he can stretch out his legs in his big big bed. He chooses how many pillows he sleeps with and he washes his dishes every day. He smiles when he looks himself in the mirror and he loves going outside.
> 
> But one day it happens and he has to start all over again.

Louis is standing in line in his local Starbucks. He's wondering if he should get something sweet like a chocolate shake or just get his regular tea and a lemon muffin. When it's his turn he feels brave and orders the former and winks at the pretty barista, lets his fingers linger on his when he takes the cup from him.

He sits in silence and reads the paper in the corner of the coffee shop. As he sips on his shake he notices that someone sits down next to him in the booth and he looks up to find the warm chocolate eyes of the barista looking straight into his.

"Hi." Louis smiles softly, cheeks rosy and sucking maybe a little longer than necessary on the straw of his drink.

"Hey." The guy smiles back and scoots closer. Louis pretends not to notice.

"I'm Zayn." He, Zayn, says and holds his hand out for Louis to take. He does and replies with his own name.

"My shift just ended, wanna do something?" Zayn grins, and who is Louis to decline?

They stand up from the seat and moves to make their way out of the shop, and when Louis opens the door and takes a step out he walks straight into a firm broad chest. He winces and doesn't even realize that once he used to spend nights like that, pressed to this very chest and when he does he gasps. His eyes find Harry's face and he moves away quickly, flabbergasted and shocked and completely bummed out.

"I-uh, Harry, you-I'm-uh-" Louis stutters and his cheeks becomes bright red and his heart stops on the spot and he just can't breathe. The vulcanoes are erupting once again and he takes in the wide eyes of his past lover. He feels Zayn nudge his side and he feels so so embarassed to be here like this with Harry and Zayn and right now he just wants to melt into nothing or disappear into thin air.

"Zayn, can you wait inside for me?" Louis asks quietly and he feels his eyes burning the side of his face, closes his eyes for a moment to blink away the tears. Zayn does as he says with a pat to his shoulder.

It's then that he takes in Harry's face. The most beautiful face in the whole wide world. His eyes are green and bright but it's barely there, only a thin strip of green sorrounding his blown pupils. He watches the brown lashes framing them and how they flutter softly. His eyes travel down his nose and to his beautiful pink full lips that he wants to kiss over and over again. The colour of his mouth matches the soft blush on his cheeks that Louis knows that he has too.  
His locks flow down his broad shoulders, tickling his long pake neck and Louis sees how much his hair has grown over the past months. He fights the urge to comb his fingers through it.

Harry breaks the silence, is worried Louis' eyes might pop out of his head if he doesn't say anything.

"How've you been?" He says quietly.

Terrible. Miserable. Horrible. Absolutely fucking broken.

"Happy."

Harry smiles at that.

"I'm glad."

"Me too."

Louis looks down at the pavement, blush still present and a lump in his throat.

"I'll leave you and your boyfriend alone now." Harry says and Louis head whips up to look him in the eyes.

"He's not my boyfriend." 

"Oh."

"Yeah."

"I'll leave you and your friend alone then." He grins softly and holds his arms out to give him a hug. Louis' brain becomes a tsunami and an earth quake at the same time and he presses himself tightly to him, lets himself be embraced by the familiar warmth. He once again blinks away tears and he wishes he could stay like this forever because deep down he is not over Harry and this is what made him realize it.

"I'll see you around." Harry says above him and Louis steps back.

"Yeah." 

"Bye Louis." And with that, he slips past him and leaves him with a cloudy head and a fluttering heart.

Zayn exited he shop moments later and approached a fuzzy headed Louis. 

"Who was that?" He asked with a tilted head.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." 

"It was an old friend." Louis smiles and takes his hand, and leads him out on the street.

Louis could do this. He could love someone other than Harry.  
……..

Zayn and Louis became closer and closer each day that went and two weeks after they met in Starbucks they went to their very first date. It was Zayn that asked and Louis could certainly not say no to that, and now they were seated in this beautiful restaurant together and life was just generally great.

"Yeah, obviously!" Louis giggled at Zayn's statement that Louis was certain was completely incorrent but he didn't mind at all, only focused on fluttering his lashes and smiling brightly. 

Zayn's laughter dies down and he moves his hand to take Louis' into his. Louis facial expression matches his.

"I really like you, Lou." Zayn utters and Louis stomach feels weird.

He fights the feelings and answers;

"And I like you."

………..

 

Louis' had atleast three glasses of wine. Maybe four. Or five. And whilst that is going into his blood and making his brain fuzzy, it's also going straight to his bladder. Out of straight kindness he tries to hold it in for as long as he can, but when he finds himself pressing his knees together he stands up and smiles apologetically.

"I have to go to the bathroom, I'll be back in a second." Zayn smiles and nods and Louis is off, walks towards the mens restroom and pushes the heavy door open.

Once he is done he exits the stall and goes to wash his hands, and is faced by the one thing in the world that could not happen tonight.

He's just standing there. Like it's the most normal thing in the world. His hair is in a bun at the top of his head and he's wearing a black button up along with black skinny jeans. It knocks the air out of Louis' lungs and he audibly chokes on oxygen, making him turn around. 

"Louis?" Harry beams and steps forward. Louis shakes his head.

"Why are you here?" He asks.

"I'm at dinner with my family." Harry replies just as the doorknob is turned and someone starts to push the door open. Louis panics, what if it's Zayn, no one can see Louis here with Harry and he grabs him by the collar and pulls him into the stall and locks the door. But the stall is small and Harry is big and it results in Louis pressed against the door with Harry's chest against his. He can feel Harry's breath against his forehead and he turns his head, tries to keep quiet as the footsteps grow louder, closes his eyes as if that would make anything better. He holds his breath and waits for the person to go away, prays that they won't call his name.

Harry is getting the hint and he keeps quiet, smirks from time to time and stands maybe a little closer than he actually needs to. He's looking down at Louis and he gets that feeling in his gut like he did all those months ago, his tummy is erupting with butterflies and while he knows Louis thinks this is wrong, he can't help but to think it's so so right.

Eventually the person exits the restroom and Louis exhales in relief.

"Harry." He whispers just before Harry is crashing his lips against his. He moves fast, so fast that Louis doesn't even have the time to react, doesn't have the time to think about anything except the man flush against him. He moans deep down in his throat and moves his lips with Harry's, grabs at anything there is to grab. He feels Harry's hands feel him up, from his chest down his back and to his ass, squeezing and pressing him closer. It's wrong and he feels dirty, he's on a date for gods sake! It's already been too long and Zayn must be getting suspicious and he feels so so bad for him, his date is snogging someone else in a much too fancy bathroom stall and not just anyone, no his ex. His fucking ex has him up against a stall door in some fucking restaurant they've never been to and they haven't seen each other in so long and Louis does not understand anything.

"Harry, Harry please, I'm on a fucking date." Louis gasps inbetween kisses but he doesn't pull away and neither does Louis.

"Funny thing you're in here with me then." Harry smirks and then his lips are back on Louis'.

Louis wants to keep kissing him. He wonders what has changed Harry's mind and why he wants him after more than four months apart, and why he pressed him up against the door like this and why he doesn't care that his family is waiting. He wonders why Harry is here and why Louis is here and why they are together when they parted in tears and a broken heart. He wonders why he suddenly wants him when he is finally getting better, when he is here with someone else and when he technically shouldn't be able to have him anymore. But who is Louis trying to fool, Harry Styles can have him whenever he wants to.

But no, it'll be so obvious, his hair will be messy and his shirt will be wrinkly and his lips kissbitten and red and this just can't continue. 

"Harry, stop." And Harry stops just like that, Louis knew he would.

"Please don't do this to me right now." He breathes and Harry nods, understands. 

"I'll meet you in your car in ten, we need to talk." Louis concludes and then he is out the door.

……..

After countless of apologies and even a kiss, Louis and Zayn part ways outside of the restaurant. Zayn wonders why he doesn't want a ride home when he infact was his ride here, but Louis just has to run an erreand! Zayn shouldn't worry, he'll text him when he gets home!

And then he is sitting in the too familiar car with a too familiar man next to him and a too familiar feeling in his heart.

Louis feels him on his neck the entire walk to his door and it's dangerous because it's making him forget that he wants to talk and talk only, makes him feel some type of way and makes him think thoughts that he should not be thinking.

Harry unlocks the door and they step into his apartment, and it hits Louis harder than it should.

He remembers being pressed up against this very door, lips on his skin and a grin on his face. He remembers sitting on the kitchen counter with Louis inbetween his legs, hugging and squeezing and giggling and just, being in love.  
He remembers the day when he got the key to this flat and he remembers the feeling of realizing that this, this is real, and never will he forget how he pressed Harry down on the bed and thanked him with kisses, with touches. With love. He remembers how it felt to wake up here to the smell of breakfast and he remembers the arms that was wrapped tightly around him first thing in the morning.  
He remembers that in this bed, he never had trouble sleeping.

"Are you okay?" Harry asks and the cocky homewrecker is replaced with the sweet sweet little Harry that Louis will never ever stop loving and he nods, is more okay than he has ever been and he takes his hand and leads him to the couch.

Louis doesn't know where to start.

"Why did you kiss me?" He blurts and guesses that'll do.

Harry shrugs.

"I wanted to." Prick.

"Why?" Louis presses.

"I don't know Louis. I want you." Harry says and twists the knife in Louis' chest.

"How do you want me?" 

"I want you in the morning. I want to wake up beside you and I want to hold you through the night until your eyes flutter open. I want to carry you to the kitchen and I want to place you on the counter and I want to kiss you as I cook you breakfast. I want to make you tea and I want to tease you about hating honey and I want our kisses to taste like milk and sugar. I want you in the day, I want to discover the world and what it holds with you and I want to see new things with you beside me. I want to taste foreign dishes and I want to experience new cultures together and I want to see you happy every day. I want to sit on this chouch and I want to hold your hand and tickle you and push your glasses up your nose when they fall due to your laughter. I want you at night. I want to fall asleep with your heartbeat against my ear and your skin against mine. I want to love you through the day, every day, all the time. I want you." Harry is breathless when he's done and so is Louis.

"How can you say this when I was literally begging you to want me three months ago? I was on my knees Harry. I was broken and I needed you with me me but you left me and now when I've finally gotten my shit together you do this? I was on a date today. And I had a great time. What makes you think that I will crawl back to you?" Louis snarls and he knows that he's right.

"I know Lou, I know that I did wrong but I want to make it right again. I realized that I still love you that day when we last saw each other in your flat but I knew that it was too late to not make it worse than it already was. I wanted to set you free." Harry sighed and Louis does understand. He does. But he's not going to jump back into his arms without him having to work for it and he knows that Harry knows that too.

"Okay, Harry." He sighs because he can't find words to say right now, he's over the moon but at the same time he wants nothing but to just crumble into pieces becaue what is he going to do now? He loves Harry but he is dating Zayn, and he cares deeply for him and this is just a big mess that Louis does not look forward to solve.

"Do you want to stay the night?" He hears beside him and never in his life has he heard a sentence that beautiful.

"Yeah. But don't try anything, I'll be out in a second." Louis tells him sternly and Harry nods, tries to contain his smile but he can't and neither can Louis. 

That night Louis sleeps better than he ever has, next to the man he loves with his whole heart.


	5. pillow talks

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis wake up beside the love of his life, but maybe that's not the right thing.

Louis wakes up with Harry next to him and that's what he has been dreaming about for so so long, and still his chest feels tight as he remembers the situation.

He runs his thumb over a big crack in his phone and stares at the text littering the screen.

/Hope you got home safe. I had a great time with you, would love to do it again soon. Z/

A sigh escapes his chapped lips and fill the room for a mere second, just as a bird chirps outside the window and his chest feels heavy. How could he stay with Harry after everything he has done, but how could he leave him?

"Louis." His ears are filled with a raspy voice from beside him. His eyelashes tickles his cheeks when he closes his eyes, whispers;

"Harry." The irregular breathing that can be heard beside him is matching his own, breath hitching ever so often and Louis wonders why this is happening. They were both thinking that this would be just the same as before but it's not, and Louis can't help that a voice in his head tells him that it never will be either. They've gone through hell and back, they've been on the edge of losing their sanity, they've gotten wounds and scars which some will never heal, and yet he still finds himself here. Louis' stomach twist as he thinks about that day three months ago, a day filled with sadness and confusion and emptiness. He doesn't understand how that could lead to this.

"Baby." His forehead tightens with those words and he would lie if he said that his chest did not.

"Harry." He repeats, thoughts whirling around in his head like a tsunami and he just does not know anything at all right now, what to say or do and it fees so forced yet so natural and he can't figure out if he wants to lean into the warm hand on this cheek or if he wants to push it away.

"Are you okay?" The thumb resting on his cheek starts to stroke the skin and Louis sighs, turns his head away before he can find himself wanting more.

A feeling of coldness hits him when his fingers leaves his skin.

"I should go." In a second his half naked body is sitting up.

The silence in the room is almost noisy, his ears feel like they are burning and his throat feels tight, there's a buzz throughout his entire body and maybe if he doesn't leave the room in less than five seconds he will scream.

He doesn't.

"Do you have to be with him?" Harry whispers and when Louis' eyes land on him he looks so small, so vulnerable and that causes Louis' heart to shatter.

"It's not about that." He starts, fingers clutching the covers and face falling.

"I just, I can't be here. I just spent the night at my ex's house after I went on a date with someone else, one that I care about for that matter, and it's totally unfair to him and to you and even to me. Harry, you know I love you with all my heart, more than anyone in the entire world but you had so many chances to come back to me and now it is too late. I'm dating somebody else and I was tipsy enough to agree to come back here and this is not okay. I need to leave." Louis makes a move to stand up but a hand is wrapped around his wrist, not holding him back but just trying to make him stay, and Louis wants to, he does, but he needs to get this sorted out and he needs to make up his mind before he can see Harry again.

"Harry. Listen to me." Harry's eyes meet his and Louis' can see that they are shining.

"I need to make things okay again. I need to see Zayn and make up my mind about all of this." Louis moves towards the door as he speaks, every word hitting Harry like a stone to the head.

"Come back for me." Is all Louis hears when he shuts the front door.


	6. rainy tears

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis does what he has to do, and if it breaks a few hearts in the process, then so be it.

There's a film of tears glazing his eyes as the wind hits his face. It cools down his flaming cheeks but it does not stop his fists from clenching nor the headache erupting in his skull, and it doesn't even get Harry's voice out of his head. Useless wind, he finds himself thinking, but what has that to do with this? It was not the weather that messed up, it was him. 

The rain wasn't the cause of his tears. A droplet hits the bridge of his nose and flows down his chin, mixing with his salty tears and trickling down his neck. No, the thunder did not shatter his heart, nor was it the lightening that was the cause of his heartbreak.

He couldn't blame anyone but himself this time. Harry had finally come back for him, just like he wanted all of these months, but then he just push him away. Pushed him away just like Harry did to him.

Louis wonders why none of them could just fucking make up their damn mind.

As his feet hits the pavement he instantly regret ever walking outside. His hoodie was soaked in just mere seconds and he doesn't even have a ride home, was planning on catching a ride from Harry but clearly his brain was way too intoxicated last night and could not think straight, which was a huge mistake on his part because now he would catch a cold and be even more miserable than before. As he was walking down the street a car suddenly pulls up next to him, and first Louis thinks is some weirdo who can't drive properly but when the window rolls down and a sweet honey voice that he knows very well tells him to hop inside, he wants to cry but also throw up, and strangely, that doesn't even surprise him. But he gets in and he smiles warmly at Zayn, who coos at him and brushes away this wet fringe that is sticking to his forehead, and places a light kiss to the skin beneath his fingers.

"You wanna come over to my place?" And Louis, poor aching Louis, nods and then they are off.

Louis just hopes a little that Zayn'll drive off a cliff.

…. 

Zayn's fingers are resting a little too close to Louis' thigh, but he doesn't dare to say anything about it, and it gets a bit too hot in the room. Louis holds out his arms and rolls up his sleeves as a distraction so he can slide a little further away from Zayn. He doesn't seem to notice, or if he did he's playing it off cool, and the temperature decreases slightly.

"So." Zayn's smooth voice fills the room and is it fucking 500 degrees celsius in here? Louis' collar is chafing and sweat is starting to pool in his temples.

"You've been acting pretty strange today, is there something up?" Louis look down at his feet and there is lava pooling around his ankles, and there's a vulcano replacing Zayn's usual lamp and there's raining meteors from the ceiling.

He snaps out of it.

"What do you mean?" Besides from that I just spent the night at my ex boyfriend's house after our date?

"I don't know, you just seem out of it. Did I do something?" He asks and guilt is etched in his features.

Louis is faced with two options. 

The first one is to lie, and tell Zayn that it's nothing. That he just slept a little uneasy and that it'll be fine tomorrow when he gets some more rest, and that he should not worry about his well being because he is fine. That they should watch a movie together and that he wants to cuddle up in his lap and relax with some tea.

Or, he could tell him the truth. Pour his heart out and tell him about the man he spent the night with, the man he knew he loved more than anything, the man that he would always choose. He could shed a tear and hold his face between his hands and tell him what a great person he is and that somebody else much better than Louis will love him one day and that he deserves the world. He could soak the hem of Zayn's shirt with tears and place a gentle kiss to the skin just under his jawline, and tell him that he will always have a special place in his heart.

And that's just what he does.


	7. same old shit but a different day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis can't fucking believe himself and he can't believe harry or zayn or anything and when the night results in him wrapped between two strong arms he can't breath, and he knows what he has to do to get oxygen in his lungs.

The tear running down Zayn's cheek is enough to make Louis' throat tight.

"I, I'm sorry Zayn." He tries to stroke his cheek but Zayn turns away before his fingertips hits his skin, and Louis cringes at the motion. 

"Please say something." He says as his fingers fiddle with a loose thread hanging from his t-shirt.   
Zayn turns to him and Louis' can't describe the look in his eyes. He doesn't look angry, or mad at all, and that's probably the worst thing about this because the sadness and disappointment that his eyes hold is more than Louis can handle. He could handle punches, he could handle screaming and insults but he could not handle silence. 

"Why would you ever go out with me, why would you lay in my bed with me, why would you kiss me when you knew all along that you love him? Why would you lead me on when you knew you would end up in his arms at the end of the day?" The last words fall from his lips like a sigh and it feels like a thousand needles have been inserted into his head. Louis opens his mouth to respond, but realizes that no words are coming out because he doesn't know the answer. He doesn't know how he could do this to Zayn, the beautiful sweet Zayn that cared about him so much, and he doesn't know how he could ever make this even slightly okay.

Louis notices how close their faces are.

"I don't know Zayn. I guess I just didn't realize how I feel about him. We were together so long ago and I thought I was finally getting over him but then he just comes back into my life and I just can't help how my heart wants him." Louis can practically see how that hits Zayn. He sees the disappointment glazing his eyes and Louis needs to leave this room or else he'll say or do things that he does not mean.

"I need to leave." Louis tells him and just as Harry, Zayn grabs him softly by the wrist, pulling him slightly closer and Louis knows where this is headed and he can't let it happen.

"Just once." Zayn says and another tear slips from his eye.

Louis can't do anything but kiss him softly and leave his apartment.

……

Louis is sitting on his livingroom floor watching a rerun of friends. When Ross says something funny he does not laugh.

When he got home and got to be alone with only his own thoughts, he realized something terrible and absolutely horrific that made his gut twist.

This was him 4 months ago. He had done the same thing Harry did to him to Zayn. He had left him for someone else.

He hurt Zayn so bad and he knows how that feels so how could he ever do that to him? How could he break him like this when his own breaking almost was the end of his life?

How could he blame Harry when he was just as bad himself?

Louis spends the rest of the night breaking glass and throwing lamps to the floor.

……

Louis was back at square one. He was fucking pissed and he his floor was full of shattered glass and his phone was in his hand and he was calling Harry. He was starting over all over again, all of his process was wasted and all because of Harry.

"Hello?" Harry's fucking lovely beautiful voice fills his ears and he chokes just from it.

"Come." He manages to get out in between sobs and he can hear rustling from the other line, and Harry rushes out;

"I'm coming."

……

When Louis feels two arms wrap around his small frame he sobs loudly. His thoughts are jumbled and all over the place and he can't make them out, just hears chants of how he can't do this anymore, he can't deal with Harry or Zayn or himself or anyone, he needs to get away from here, he needs to be somewhere long away frim his home that is Harry and London and he needs to now.

"Harry. I need to get away." He whispers into Harry's hair, pressing his face into the soft skin of his neck. Harry doesn't say anything, but Louis can feel him nod slightly, understanding, and squeezes Louis' hand.

"Where?" He quietly says and down Louis' shoulders slips his tear.

"I don't know. Just away from you." He replies, tenses at his own words, not meaning for it to sound just like that.

"Okay." Harry pulls away his head from his shoulder.  
"When will you be back?" Are the words tumbling out of his swollen lips covered with salty tears.

"When I am ready." Louis whispers and looks down into his lap.

Harry nods, and shuffles to his feet, tears burning in his eyes and chest tight.

"I'll be waiting for you." He says and when he exits the door Louis screams.


	8. home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> louis needs the familiar walls of his childhood home to ever put his soul at peace again.

"You have booked a flight to Doncaster, 12/05/16" His laptop screen reads and he can practically hear his wallet cry out, and his manager at the book store look at him with disappointment. He did not have the financial stability to do this right now but he needs to go home for a while, sort his thoughts out a bit and he wants to see his family, he hasn't in over five months and he misses them dearly. The small ones are growing so fast at this age and he feels like he is missing out on their childhood, and it brings him down a lot, and he can't wait to see them run around in the backyard and hear their happy laughs. It can make him think of other things now, other things than this apartment and all that has happened here. 

He remembers the first time he brought Harry home. They hade been together for not more than a couple of months but Louis could feel it in him that it was right to take him with him back to Doncaster and the visit had been so lovely. Harry had been so lovely. He hugged his mum warmly and shook Dan's hand, even brought flowers for the girls and played with the babies.

Louis strongest memory was when they were in the living room, Harry sitting on the couch with his legs crossed and Louis was laying down on his back with his head in Harry's lap, Doris sleeping soundly on his chest. It was late, she had been asleep for awhile, and the rest of the family were all sleeping. Her small nose would whistle softly as she slept, eyelashes fluttering occasionaly when Louis stroked her back. Harry had sighed above him and when Louis looked up his eyes were glazed over with tears and Louis didn't need to ask, knew why his lover was on the verge of tears so he whispered; "I'll put her to bed and meet you in our bedroom." 

He had put her in her crib, kissed her nose and went upstairs to see the love of his life sitting on the edge of their bed in Louis' old room, and his heart beat faster in his chest.

"You want one really bad huh?" Louis chuckled softly and he knew how dangerous this subject was but he went there anyways. He walked over to Harry and places his hand on his shoulder and rubbed slightly.

"You want a baby?" He asked again, a little louder.

"Already got one." He had answered and it had made Louis gasp softly when his hand gripped his waist and pulled him towards him.

"Really?" Louis smiled and Harry brushed his fringe from his eyes.

"Yeah." He whispered pulling him forward further until Louis climbed up in his lap and straddled it.

"I'm so in love with you." He said, even more quiet, and it was the first time any of them said those words, and Louis gasped loudly as tears leaked down his cheeks, matching Harry's wet cheeks and Louis let out a watery laugh at the scene. His heart was thumping so fast and it felt like he was about to explode with feelings as he whispered into Harry's neck:

"And I am so in love with you."

Louis closes his laptop screen and sighs. 

…….

When Louis arrives at his childhood home he is instantly engulfed in a tight warm hug by his mum and he feels so loved. She's holding him just like she used to when he was only Phoebe's and Daise's, maybe even Doris' and Ernie's age. He feels like a little kid again with his mummy rocking him back and forth and the feeling is so comforting, he wants to move back here and be here everyday.

"How was your flight dear?" Her lovely voice fills his ears and he smiles into her hair.

"It was fine, it's only one hour so didn't really do much besides being on my phone." He answers in a sigh and Johannah tenses, pulls away and looks into his eyes.

"What's wrong baby?" She says and strokes his cheel softly. Louis almost faints at that, how would she know? Was he that fucking obvious? 

"Can we talk about it later mum, I have to pee." He says as a lame excuse and walks past her into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. When he looks himself in the mirror he gasps and realizes what his mum meant. His eyes are dull and almost grey, he's got huge dark bags under his eyes and his cheeks are extra sunken in. His hair is tousled and his lips are cracking due to them being extremely dry. 

He quickly turns the doorknob and exits the room, terrified of his tired and stressed appearence and ready to get some fucking meat on his bones and some energy in him.

….

He sits beside Lottie at dinner and he just feels the oxygen entering his cells by her presence and he feels himself leaning onto her. It seems like they all can sense his misery and having her here stroking his arm is almost draining all the sadness and stress and anger inside of him and replacing it with happiness and, a sliver of, hope.

"So Lou, how's Harry?" Fiz asks and of course that would happen. They love him so much. He's like their uncle, they've known him for so long and of course they wouldn't just completely forget his existence just because Louis secretly wants them to. They don't know why he even flew here and they don't know that Harry's face is just as pale and sunken in as his. 

"He's fine." Louis says shortly and forces a soft smile at his younger sister, and he can see the confusion in her eyes, used to him rambling for hours upon end about Harry. About his new sweater he bought and that he took him on a date near the water, that he accidentally put his shoes on the wrong foot when he was rushing to work and that Louis' pondering if he should ask him to marry him or if he should wait for Harry to, and today he just drops one word saying he's fine and the whole family seems to tense a little. 

"Well we have some great news!" Jay changes the subject quickly. All the attention goes from the fidgeting Louis to the beaming mother who's face is just glowing, and he internally thanks her.

"We are all going on a trip tomorrow to the beach!" The girls starts squealing and chatter and Jay's eyes meet Louis' and he is so so thankful he's got her. 

……

 

The next day he wakes up in his old room and it seems like every damn room in this universe reminds him of Harry. He remembers one time when Harry made love to him in here, on this very bed, rocking into him slowly and placing his hands over his lips to keep the soft moans from spilling out of him. He remembers one time when Louis cried into his chest when his anxiety just overtook him, and all he could do was let it all out and hug his lover tightly.  
He remembers so many things from in here and it's getting to him when he was supposed to get his mind off of things.

A knock on his door interrupts his thoughts.

"Louis?" His mum soft voice is heard from outside.

"Come in." He replies and the door opens and Jay steps in. She sits down at the edge of his bed and strokes his cheek, brushes his fringe out of his eyes. The actions are soothing and it relaxes him.

"How are you feeling dear? Do you still want to come along today?" She says and doesn't at all push him to tell her why he doesn't feel well.

"Yeah." He smiles and leans into her touch.

"Come downstairs and eat some breakfast first." She beams and pecks his forehead, and leaves his room without another word.

It feels like a weight has been added to Louis' chest, instead of taken away.


	9. realization

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> maybe coming home and being away was pretty good after all?

When finally at the beach, Louis actually feel somewhat at peace. The waves hitting the shore brings him calmness, and as the sunshine hits his face he watches the girls dip their feet in the ice cold water. Ernie and Doris are sitting a few metres away from him building a sand castle, giggling and rambling incoherent baby language. There's nobody here except them, the beach not really being a place you go to in early May, since the water is too cold yet to swim in. 

Someone joins him on his spot on a blanket, and he looks up to see his mum looking back at him.

"Are you going to tell me what happened with Harry?" She asks quietly, stunning him. 

He sighs, knew she would know, and tears are already burning behind his closed eyelids.

"I think I've lost him mum." He chokes on his words.

"Well, I already did once, I haven't told you. We broke up in January, or he broke up with me to be exact. He left me, and fuck was I a mess." He wipes a tear and lets out a dry laugh. Jay is just sitting there, not saying anything, waiting for him to continue.

"I was so broken mum. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't go to work, I didn't do anything. I was just at home, crying an drinking and doing stupid fucking shit to myself and he was out there living his life and it was breaking me more and more each day, mum, I was dying. You know how much I love him, you know how I would do anything for him, and he left me just like that. And I did something stupid, but at the same time it probably saved my life. I called him and he showed up and he kissed me to heal me but I know he was forcing it, but he took care of me and I don't think I could've done it without him there then. Then a couple of months went, and I'm actually getting better, can you believe it? And I meet this wonderful guy, you would love him." Another laugh bubble out of him and Jay looks absolutely shocked.

"His name is Zayn. He was so wonderful to me, made me feel loved again. Whole even. He took me on a date to a lovely restaurant and I have a great time with him and then I fucking meet Harry in the bathroom and he starts snogging me, right in a stall, and I can't stop touching and kissing him when my fucking date is waiting on me with the food and drink that he goddamn paid for! And after the date, I follow him home. I go back to Harry's apartment mum. After all he did to me. After Zayn treating me like a prince. I went back to Zayn's place and told him, and he was so upset, he was broken just as I was before, I ruined him. He was crying so much and I just kissed him and left, went back to my flat and startef breaking shit again, couldn't contain myself. And you know what I do? I call that fucker again, I repeat my mistake and he holds me until I tell him that I need to get away and then he storms out and now I'm here." Tears are streaming down his face and when he looks up Jay is crying too. 

"Mum." He whispers and she shakes her head, wipes under her eyes.

"Louis, you are the strongest person I know. You have grown up to be a wonderful man and anyone ever having the pleasure of loving you is extremely lucky. Harry was so lucky. You are caring and ambitious and such a lovely person. But you are too careful. You both are. You need to tell him what you want, and what you need, and what you expect from him. You need to communicate with him. You need to say how you feel, and not run off everytime it suits you or when you feel powerless. You have to be there and tell him what you are thinking." 

"I did, mum. I screamed at him and I swore at him and I didn't filter a single thing. I told him everything." He responds.

"But have you sat him down and told him sincerely why you feel what you feel and had a decent human conversation instead of yelling at him?" She says and her hair blows in the wind. She look so careless.

And it hits him. 

All he has done is curse at Harry, made him feel like shit. He has yelled and made out with him and cried and trashed around. He's been carried away by his emotions and been overly dramatic and he hasn't handled this like an adult at all. He hasn't said with a straight face how he feels and why he has done what he has done and Harry is probably so confused. He doesn't know what he needs to do to make Louis happy anymore, Louis has been pushing him away and called him crying and then told him to leave and fucking left the city without him knowing where.

"No, I haven't." He sighs.

"I'm not trying to defend him, but have you tried going a little easy on him? I'm sure he is just as confused and upset as you baby. Tell him firmly what's going on inside your head but don't make him feel sad and upset when you are trying to explain why you feel what you feel." 

The wind brushes Louis' cheek bones and the sun is almost all the way past the horizon. The babies have fallen asleep in their strollers and Lottie and Fiz are packing up everything for both set of twins. Louis heart feels warm in his chest.

He knows what to do now.


	10. tears of conclusion

He embraces every single one of them before he leaves. He knows he won't see them for a while, he barely has time to come up here, and for all of them eight to come to his flat is too complicated and the end result is that they only see each other a couple of times a year. He would lie if he said his eyes were completely dry when he hugged the last one. His mum kisses his cheeks and holds him a little extra long, whispers in his ear to sort this out now and follow his heart, and he thanks her and exits the door with his suitcases.

The whole flight to London airport his mind wanders to what will happen when he gets home.

….

He's standing outside of Harry's apartment. 

"It's my fault. It's my fault. It's my fault." Is all going through his head. It's his fault. He caused this.

No wonder why Harry stopped loving him. No wonder that he left him. No wonder that he was upset. Louis did this. He ruined everything.

He's scratching at his wrists, clawing at them to relieve the anxiety rising in his chest, an old habit he thought he got rid of but nowadays nothing seems to ever go away completely.

The door swings open and Louis hasn't even knocked yet. 

Harry's standing there in a beautiful sweater that clings to his torso in a way that makes Louis' breath leave his lungs and he can't believe he ruined his chances with this magical human in front of him.

"Louis." He says softly and steps aside for him to come in, and Louis slips through the door, cheeks burning in embarassment.

 

He stands awkwardly in the middle of the living room, fingers fidgeting and heart racing. There's a heavy tension in the room, traveling down his spine and it makes him chill, cringe even at the inconvinient situation and how stupid he was.

"So, what's on your mind?" Harry asks quietly, really saying are we doing this or not but gentler, scared to maybe break the fragile boy infront of him.

"Harry." Louis says with a lump in his throat.

"I've been so wrong. I've cursed at you, yelled at you, made out with you and cried and trashed around. My emotions acted for me and the alcohol and my heartbreak spoke for me and I've handled this incredibly irresponsibly. And I am so sorry bexause I know I've been irrational and you're probably so confused because I've only screamed at you and made you feel low. You can't know what to do when I'm acting like this. This is all my fault, and only my fault, and I don't deserve you. You are better than me Harry, you deserve someone much better than me. I've been acting like a child, and I understand if you don't want me anymore. Just know, I've thought this over and I've realized, it was me, and not you. And if you want me back even after what I've done, then I'm here. I'll always be."

Harry looks absolutely stunned, and an unsettling feeling creeps down Louis' spine. Harry's eyes are flicking up and down and to right and left, hand running trough his hair and a small grunt falling from his lips.

"What in the whole world are you saying Louis?" He says after a minute of shocked silence. 

Louis cringes again, waits for Harry to yell at him and say that he would never ever take him back, that he's insane to think that he would ever forgive him.

His eyes are closed when he feels Harry's hand on his cheek, pressing against a few wet tears that he had shed. A slow exhale exits his mouth as he waits for the blow.

"Louis." When Louis opens his eyes his eyelashes are clumped together and Harry's face are only mere centimeters from his face.

"Just get it over with." He mumbles and Harry just looks completely bummed out.

"It's not true." Harry whispers and Louis gets taken aback.

"It's not true! That's not what this is about! How can you blame yourself? What the fuck do you mean that you've been irrational? Louis. Every word you have told me has come across. I have heard everything you have said. I know how you feel about me, about us. I know because you've told me. You being upset is my blame, I haven't been acting great towards you and I know that. You can't blame yourself in this Louis. I love you. And I always will. It's me who should be down on my knees begging for you back."

Louis head is spinning and a gasp is pushed put of his lungs when Harry falls down on his knees in front of him. His knees hit the floor with a thud and Louis can see that Harry' cheeks are glistening and wet. 

Amd here they are. Louis thinks back to a couple of months ago. When he himself was on his knees. He remembers that the glass penetrating his skin wasn't nearly as painful as his heart, and he remembers how much he craved for Harry to be near him. He remembers how his neck was hurting and that he drank out of half full bottles and how maybe he could've filled one only with tears. That maybe he even could've flooded his apartment. He remembers how he read word after word on that stupid ugly tragic letter and how he wished that Harry was illiterate. He remembers how he grew used to the smell of coconut and that he even though about getting a coconut scented cologne to feel close to Harry. He remembers how much furniture he has replaced in his flat and how he always found himself hugging the pillow Harry used to sleep on.

And he remembers thinking how he could've done anything to get Harry back.

Dropping to his knees and embracing him feels right in the moment.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this because I hate myself and I want some sad Larry. Don't ask me why.  
> There will be more chapters to this but I'm not gonna write like a 50 chapters book out of it, maximum 5, if even that. If you have any questions or want a new friend (note; i'm a dork and always open to get to know someone new) just message me!
> 
> kik; faaannyyy  
> instagram; fannyallgren


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